I am sitting at my kitchen table, next to a large stack of bills and school notices, sipping on cheap chardonnay. As I stress over my first blog post, my kids argue in the living room, and my husband hums a Beatles tune and asks me about my day. I want to be gracious and be present with him, but this whole publishing thing is stressful, and I force a little smile while he tells me how he ate his pudding using the foil lid because I forgot to pack him a spoon in his lunch.
There is very little quiet in this life of mine. I’ve been holding out on this whole ‘writing thing’ until I could carve out a little solitude. I draft long Facebook posts and dream about my someday-book while I go about the business of parenting and teaching and loving and building a life.
But in a moment of clarity, I realize that the true beauty is being where you are. This is a lesson I’m slowly learning as a novice trying to meditate. If I had to wait for a moment of silence or total solitude, I would never be able to practice meditation. Instead, I’ve learned to take deep breaths amidst the chaos, to be mindful of the kisses and cuddles and homework help that connect me to this beautiful family of mine. I am learning to find the beauty in the mundane, and I wish I could cite the writer of my most recent mantra: “Inhale grace, Exhale your gift.”
So often, meditation practices encourage one to inhale beauty and peace, and exhale negativity and fear. This model doesn’t work for me. I need to sit with my fear and negativity. I need to get curious about it and study it and learn from it. I don’t want to send that out into the world. If I’m too quick to dismiss it, it can’t teach me what I need to learn.
When I breathe in grace, I accept the gifts that I have been given. I embrace that which makes me entirely unique. Grace is the blessing that allows me to be an advocate, a writer, a teacher, and a parent. Patience, kindness, and thoughtful reflection are all forms of grace that have been gifted to me. When I’m doing my best work, I can share those gifts with others. And when I can’t? When all I have is frustration and dirty laundry? Well, I can share with you a little honesty and humor. And who says there isn’t a bit of grace in that, too?