Parent Teacher Conferences

I’ve recently changed my approach to parent teacher conferences.   My therapist helped me with this. 

During my therapy sessions, I often talk about my kids.  I’m passionate, thoughtful, caring, worried, creative, supportive, and obviously madly in love with these growing humans.  I talk about their challenges and their talents.  I talk about their poor attitudes and their astonishing kindness.  I talk about their bravery and their laziness.   I SEE them.  And I will break my back to do what’s best for them.  

Then I go into parent teacher conferences and I listen meekly, as if I don’t have anything to say.  I don’t make excuses for my kids, because I don’t want to be THAT parent.  I don’t question the teachers because I trust them.  I don’t offer suggestions for fear of stepping on toes.  

I listen.  And while I can tell that these educators truly care, they’re often bringing me in to talk about a problem.  An unmotivated child.  A child struggling with trauma.  A child with mental health concerns.  A child with ADHD or anxiety or depression or all of the above.  I hear about missing assignments or poor social skills or questionable decisions and I hang my head because all of these stories feel like a litany of my failures.  I take responsibility for their weaknesses and their mistakes and their choices.  I feel as if I am there to receive a punishment for poor parenting.  The guilt catches in my throat, and I’m not sure what the appropriate response is. The teachers look at me expectantly.  They’d like to hear what I’m going to DO.  They want to be reassured that the parents will take charge and FIX this once we get home.  As if we didn’t know.  As if it were that simple.  

Because, you see, I KNOW these kids.  I’m not operating under the illusion that they’re perfect little snowflakes. I’m not oblivious or absent or unconcerned.  I’m not hearing these things for the first time. Quite the opposite.  We hear the frustration and we FEEL it, too.  We know our kids have struggles. But we are engaged and thoughtful and our family is working hard to raise healthy, competent, confident, thoughtful, kind, motivated human beings who respect themselves and others and the world around them.  We are teaching them gratitude and responsibility and self-care and respect. 

In the past, I’ve sat through parent teacher conferences as if I were on trial or somehow receiving my punishment for poor parenting.  

This time, I did it differently.  Taking my therapist’s advice, I took control of the conversation.  I listened, but I also used my voice to paint a picture of life in our house.  They complained about homework completion. I shared my philosophy about NOT driving back to school to retrieve forgotten books or assignments.  Not because I don’t care, but because I don’t want to send the message that their forgetfulness is my responsibility.  Not to mention that nobody has the time to drive to three schools picking up forgotten materials at the end of a busy work day. I described what homework time looks like, with me bouncing from living room to dining room to den, answering questions and giving pep talks and making threats and offering suggestions to three students who struggle to complete their schoolwork independently.  

They asked about outside therapy.  I talked about our experiences with four therapists in three years and the trials of finding providers who take my school-provided insurance and the state-sponsored health care that Bea receives.  They talked about creating opportunities to socialize outside of school.  I shared our attendance at support groups and church events and music lessons and play rehearsals and play dates.  And lest they think that these children are defined by their shortcomings, I bragged about their awesomeness.  The adversity they’ve overcome.  The speaking engagements, and DCF hearings and family visits and church missions and performances where they let themselves shine for the world to see.  

They brought up suggestions that I’ve tried a million different times in a million different ways… rewards and punishments and behavior charts… and instead of explaining what DOESN’T work for my kids, I spent some time explaining what DOES help.  Weekly progress reports.  Creative projects.  Cuddling on the couch with tea and some work to complete.  Nighttime chats.  After school chores and wi-fi timers and doing their own damned laundry. When they asked about medication, I shared the dosage and explained the morning routine and that I sometimes have to leave while there’s a kid in the shower.  And if he didn’t take his medicine it’s because I couldn’t actually watch him so I shouted it four times and left a note and texted him and he STILL forgot.  So instead of feeling the silent blame, I asked if we could simply leave extra with the nurse for the days he forgets.  Problem solved.  

And from now on, I’m not going to parent teacher conferences to silently receive information.  The purpose is not for the teachers to teach me all about my kids.  I know my kids, better than probably anyone on the planet.  I’m not there to learn, and I’m not there to be reprimanded.  I’m there to listen and share and problem-solve and partner with these dedicated teachers.  Because we’re all on the same team.  We’re all working toward the goal of raising and educating decent, competent humans.  

And nobody should feel guilty about that.   

2020

In recent years, the “Self-Help” section of bookstores and libraries has changed to “Self-Improvement.”  I know this because it’s one of my favorite sections to browse.  I’m a lover of books in all forms, but I especially love ones that weave together psychology and science and personal stories, exploring the myriad ways that humans have endeavored to become better humans.  I love learning about how our brains and our environments work together to motivate our actions; I’m fascinated by all of the ways that we can change our own habits and personalities; I’m amazed by all of the factors that work together in our conscious and our unconscious to make us who we are.  

And I like the name change.  Self-help implies brokenness, and I don’t believe I am broken.  I do, however, believe that all things can be improved.  Myself included. 

In fact, I believe that it is our obligation, while we’re here on Earth, to become the best possible versions of ourselves.  I believe we owe it to the world and to our creator and to our families and friends and neighbors and to OURSELVES to keep learning and growing and improving.  

So, I find myself here, in the New Year, thinking about resolutions, which have become little more than the butt of a joke.  On January 3rd, people ask, “Have you broken your resolution yet?”  Most of us will violate these promises to ourselves in the first few weeks of the year.  Resolutions work for some people as a form of self-improvement.  But a resolution is so rigid.  It’s a vow.  And it’s usually a vow to make some sort of large change which we have previously been unable to sustain, despite multiple attempts.  

Does the date make a resolution somehow more attainable?  Perhaps there’s something about starting on the first of a new year that appeals to our sense of order, but my most sustainable changes have started on, oh, say…. a random Wednesday in October. 

And, really, about 90% of my resolutions have been some form of ‘lose weight’ over the years.  

I’m hesitant to write about this, for fear of messing it up.  You see, I have been learning a lot about health and body positivity and self-acceptance, and much of that is fundamentally at odds with my inner desire to be thinner.  

And my inner desire to be thinner is fundamentally at odds with all I believe about human variation and the inherent value of people and our shallow cultural assessment of beauty. 

I’m not going to write about those things, because lots of educated, intelligent people have written about those things.  If you’re interested, you can read personal stories and scientific research and cautionary tales.  

If you’re fascinated by the brain, you should read, “Thinking, Fast and Slow” by Daniel Kahneman.  If you’re into self-improvement, you should read “Atomic Habits” by James Clear.  If you want to learn more about being healthy and fat, you should read about ‘Health at Every Size.’ 

And what I’m going to write about is how I’ve taken all of those things and squished them together into a vague plan of how to be a better human in 2020.  

I’m trying to find a better balance.  I’m building habits that make me feel better about myself, instead of playing into all the ways that the world wants me to think that I’m not good enough.  Does that even make sense?  

Because, the truth is, I do think it’s possible to believe that you are ENOUGH, and still know that you can be better.  But the only way to do it is to find YOUR version of better.  What will make you a better YOU?  

A better ME would write more.  Writing makes me feel more myself.  I know I’m doing something I’m meant to do when I write. 

A better ME would spend more time in nature.  Being outdoors brings me peace. 

A better ME would spend more time enjoying my children. My kids remind me what joy looks like, if I only take the time to see it.  

The list goes on and on.  It’s too much to tackle all at once.  But I’ve learned a little about habits and since October, I’ve started “habit stacking.”  What this means is… I take a habit I want to develop and I attach it or ‘stack’ it on top of a habit I already have. 

For example; I’m terrible at flossing.  I hate it and avoid it and then feel like a petulant child at my dental check ups when they tell me that I need to floss more.  But I do brush my teeth every day.  So I stacked flossing on top of that.  Every time I brushed my teeth, I was reminded of my commitment to floss.  It was yucky and irritating at first.  But that was months ago.  Now it’s just part of my routine.  And once I added the flossing, I stacked ‘take a multivitamin’ on top of that.  So with very little effort, I managed to add two small habits that, cumulatively, will likely have a positive impact on my health.  

I did the same to make a shift in my breakfast routine.  A few months ago, I generally ate nothing or some sort of egg sandwich; neither option was healthy.  But I ALWAYS had coffee.  So I stacked ‘eat fruit’ on top of the coffee.  Every morning with my java, I also had an apple or a banana or a handful of raspberries.  On weekend mornings, I might still have a bigger breakfast with my family, but fruit first gets me off to a better start.  

I don’t like myself when I’m dieting.  I become compulsive and obsessive.  I have an all-or-nothing attitude and I become self-deprecating and cranky.  The numbers on the scale dictate my mood and I ride a roller coaster of self-congratulating and self-loathing that totally sucks.  Newer evolutions of weight-loss programs are beginning to acknowledge this unhealthy cycle through things like “non-scale victories” and ‘small changes.’  But those programs still make their money by making us feel like we’re somehow broken and in need of fixing.  

I’m not buying into it anymore.  I’m not broken.  In fact, I’m pretty amazing in a lot of ways.  And the ways that I can improve aren’t about the way I LOOK at all.  Here are my goals for 2020:

– Walk the dogs more.  Get outside.

– Do more yoga. 

– Spend 1:1 time with at least one kid every week.

– Find and cook new, delicious recipes.  

– Be more present. 

– Write.  Write a lot.  

I’m not going to do this all at once.  I’m going to stack my habits and make small changes and enjoy feeling like I’m becoming the best possible version of myself.  

Whether you made a resolution or not; whether you’ve stuck to it or given up or changed it, know that you are enough, right now, in this moment.  Make sure anything you vow to change takes you on the road toward being MORE you.  

And the rest of us will be abundantly blessed just to know you.