I’m sitting on the couch, with what is possibly the last fire of the season crackling in the fireplace. Under the Bridge filters through the bathroom door while my son takes a shower. At least he’s got good taste in music. Who doesn’t like the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
Lee is getting ready to go out for the day. He takes his showers in the dark with loud music playing. He’s never explicitly explained it, but I know that it’s common for trans people to come up with creative ways to make it through the triggering daily routine of washing a dysphoric body.
Jack and Cal are at work. In just a few minutes, everyone will be gone, and I’ll have the house to myself.
I’ve got my crochet project next to me, along with my brand-new reading glasses. Yup. Reading glasses. I’m a little freaked out by that, but they’re pretty helpful. And kinda cute, honestly. I’m settled in with my coffee and my computer and I’ve got a vague plan for the day.
And then Jack’s van pulls in the driveway. What I thought would be a full day at work only took him a few hours. It’s not even 10am. He walks in the door. Relieved. Excited. Happy to be home. I feel horrible because I’m disappointed.
From this angle on the couch, I can see a potato chip under the coffee table. Gross. I’ll have to remember to pick that up.
The vibe of this day has shifted, and it feels unfair. I feel antsy. Itchy.
He won’t be hurt or offended or upset if I do exactly what I planned to do today. So why do I feel the need to change things because I’m not alone?
I was looking forward to a spinach and mushroom omelet for brunch. It’s one of my favorites; something only I enjoy. And now I’ll feel obligated to also make a fried egg and toast for my husband, because I’m cooking anyway.
I was hoping to sit in front of the fire and start my online class. But he’ll want to watch TV. Or sit next to me on his phone, which irrationally makes me seethe.
I wanted to change the sheets. But if he’s sitting and doing nothing while I do chores that he’s equally responsible for, I bubble with resentment.
He just got a new amplifier. Literally. FedEx just delivered it, and he set it up in the room right next to me. Of course he wants to try it out. Who wouldn’t? But the toddler in my brain screams, “I was here first” and “I want QUIET!” He’s not doing anything wrong. There’s no place else for him to go. And he’s excited. I don’t want to crush that. So I move. Now I’m in my office, away from the fireplace, but with a few candles lit and white noise playing on the alexa to try to recreate the quiet I had half an hour ago.
It’s not working. The guitar amp fills the house with chords and rhythms; starts of songs that never finish as he tests out the sound. Wagon Wheel. Toes. Starting Over. Against the Law. I can’t focus.
I love him. I really do. Last week, we got dressed up and went to a nice restaurant and laughed through a lovely dinner. The week before, we spent Saturday in the garage, reupholstering the boat seats. We each had our own staple remover and we sang along to songs on the radio. I’d make sure the new covers were lined up just right and he’d staple and reassure me a thousand times that he was being careful and I didn’t have to keep saying it. Together, we laugh like crazy and play a mean game of scrabble and cuddle on the couch.
And yet.
I crave time ALONE.
I don’t think that’s crazy or unusual. I know lots of friends who feel the same way. Sure, I could leave. I could go sit in the library or a coffee shop.
But I just want to be in my pajamas, alone on my couch, eating food that I like and doing things that I love without having to be considerate of anyone else at all.
I just want permission to be totally selfish for a few hours.
I think back to when I lived alone. I would spend hours sitting on my front porch, writing and sipping coffee and watching the world go by. When I got hungry, I would make whatever I wanted to eat. Apple crisp for breakfast? Why not? I would spend whole days scrubbing my apartment, contentedly, because I knew it was my mess and it felt satisfying to clean it. And I only had to do it once or twice a month. If I wanted to talk to someone, I’d pick up the phone. If I wanted music, I would turn on whatever I was in the mood for, and nobody was there to comment on my musical taste or the volume of the radio. If I wanted quiet, I sat in silence, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I didn’t feel obligated to wait for someone else to watch my favorite show. I could be in the flow of writing for hours, without anyone playing inescapable, distracting music.
I have a sister who just recently found herself living alone for the first time. She’s struggling a little with it. I try to be supportive, but deep down, I can’t help but be a little jealous.
I know the grass is always greener. And I try to remember that it’s all about balance. Because when I did live alone, it was sometimes awful, too.
Cooking for one was boring and eating alone was a little sad. I had to lift all the heavy stuff and pay for someone to fix the brakes on my car and call the oil company when my furnace broke. The projects were mine alone, and choosing the music is less satisfying than having someone to sing along with. There was nobody to play scrabble with and nobody to tease me about my inability to sit and watch a movie all the way through. There was no one to cuddle on the couch. There was no spontaneous guitar from the next room. The silence was sometimes deafening.
*****
He’s playing In Color. I love this song. I love his voice. I take a moment to breathe. And count my blessings. My stomach rumbles. It’s time to go make that spinach and mushroom omelet. And a fried egg.