Awkward conversations

I don’t have an excellent filter. It’s not unusual for me to find myself in a group of people, realizing that I just made everyone slightly uncomfortable by disclosing something inappropriate. It’s my blessing and my curse. Sometimes I wind up embarrassing myself. Sometimes I end up alienating people. But other times, I end up initiating awkward, powerful, difficult conversations.

Let me back up. I’m aware that it’s generally considered impolite or in poor taste to talk about money. So I usually only bring it up if:

1. I desperately need a small loan and I finally muster up the courage to ask one of my parents.
2. I’m making a self-deprecating joke about my inability to manage or hold on to money.
3. I’m subconsciously panicking about some financial issue and I subsequently have too many glasses of wine.

And it’s that last circumstance that’s led me to an interesting revelation. Every time I’ve brought up money concerns that were probably too personal or too honest or too revealing, somebody in the room approached me afterward to commiserate or share or confess. Someone else was compelled to share something about their financial circumstances that they surely would not have admitted, had I not had that third glass of chardonnay and over-shared to begin with.   What I’ve learned through these interactions is that EVERYONE I KNOW is worried about money.

Some of us are worried about our retirement accounts. Some of us are worried about how to buy a new car when the engine finally goes. Some of us don’t know how we’re going to pay for our kids’ college. Some of us are scraping together quarters for a gallon of milk, or selling jewelery to buy diapers. There are certainly different circumstances… but we’re all worried.

And for some reason, we’re not allowed to talk about it. Why do we do this to ourselves? Ladies, we share recipes and birth stories and work stresses and arguments with our spouses. We talk about our medications and our babies’ bowel movements and that time we tucked our skirt into our nylons at the airport. But money? We can’t talk about this? WHY NOT?!?!?

Well, I have a theory about that. We don’t talk about money because we have so much of our identity wrapped up in it. Are you a “Money doesn’t grow on trees” kind of person? Or a “Save it for a rainy day” kind of person? Were you taught that success was based on finances? Did you grown up without a penny to spare? Are you determined to have more than your parents? Are you determined not to spoil your kids? Do you believe “You can’t take it with you” or do you want to “Leave something for the kids?”

You see… the thing is, it doesn’t even matter; because ALL of those people worry about money. I’ve talked with friends who I consider to be ‘well-off’ who were afraid of losing their homes. I’ve spoken to empty nesters who thought they were prepared for retirement, only to find out that it wasn’t enough. I’ve listened to women who counted on vouchers to feed their families and women who were trying to deliberately expose their children to hardships because they wanted them to understand that their wealth wasn’t something to take for granted. We all worry about this. So why are we so afraid to talk about it?

I guess I can only speak for myself. Personally, I’m afraid to express my financial worries for lots of reasons. Here are three of them:

1. I’m afraid to be judged. I’m afraid if I admit that I have money concerns, I’m opening myself up to have my priorities questioned. Half the time, I’m questioning my own priorities. I don’t need anyone else to be doing it for me.
2. I WANT to be grateful for all I have. I want to acknowledge my blessings and remember that I have so much to be thankful for… so it feels somehow ungrateful to worry about something as inconsequential as the car payment.
3. I don’t want people to think I’m asking for money. What if I complain about the phone bill and my friend offers to pay it? I don’t want to be a charity case. I don’t want to ruin the friendship. I don’t want to owe anyone anything.

Okay, so maybe they’re valid concerns. But certainly, I can find two or three friends who I can trust …

1. … to not question my judgement. These friends should believe I am a competent adult, capable of making my own decisions (and sometimes mistakes).
2. … to listen to my concerns without questioning my faith or my gratitude or assuming that this worry is somehow a character flaw.
3. … to ask thoughtful questions and be supportive in whatever way they can. These friends would never use money as a weapon or a tool for manipulation.

I don’t need to over-share at every dinner party. But I can lighten the load by finding a confidant and simply talking about it. After all, “A burden shared is a burden halved,” right? (Written by T. A. Webb, for those of you who are sticklers about citations).

I guarantee, if you try this, people will confide in you. You’ll find yourself in strange new relationships where it’s not taboo to talk about finances. You might find you have the chance to help someone out. You might find yourself wondering if you should accept help. But you will not be alone. I promise.