Redefined

Who am I? Each of us works our whole lives to cultivate the answer to this question. We want to define ourselves in the context of the world in which we live. We want to separate from some and unify with others. We yearn to be unique, yet are comforted by similarity.

We read books, we travel, we study, we experience, we try new and unfamiliar things; all in an attempt to “find ourselves.” This process of discovery, this becoming, compels us toward a definition of self.

Some of these identities are tried on and discarded. In my younger years, I was a flutist, a hackey-sack player, a choir member. These were dismissed readily and with cause.

Some definitions are worn for a season. Disney fan. Soccer player. College student. Newlywed. We anticipate their passing, even as we reluctantly let them go.

As we grow into ourselves, we develop our personal style; a sense of self that begins to become inseparable with how we present ourselves to the world. I am an intellectual. I am a Christian. I am a mother. I am a teacher.

What about those definitions that we’re not proud of? I am an addict. A victim. A failure. Can we integrate these into our definitions? Or do we bury them and deny them until they become a festering wound?

Regardless of our process, we are defined by our own perceptions of self.   We invest countless hours and days and years into becoming a person, and we cling desperately to our own perceptions. We spend our lives cultivating a persona.

So it’s no wonder that our psyche starts to crumble when faced with cognitive dissonance about our very being. What happens when the very thing we used to define ourselves ceases to be true? What of the executive who loses his job? What of the child who finds himself without parents? What of the parent faced with an empty nest? The devoted wife in the throes of divorce? We all go through a period of cognitive dissonance when we’re forced to redefine ourselves. If you haven’t, don’t worry. You will.

Perhaps equally difficult is the task of revising our perceptions of those closest to us.

How do we resolve the cognitive dissonance of an unfaithful spouse? A Priest accused of the unthinkable? A transgender child?

Do you know what research tells us about people’s responses when confronted with evidence contrary to what they believe? We dig in our heels. We become more adamantly entrenched in our beliefs! We consider ourselves to be rational beings; however, our personal beliefs and opinions are so emotionally powerful that they have the ability to hijack all rational thought. We only begin to shift our perceptions when we can no longer bend the truth to fit our own patterns of thought.

When it finally happens, the shift is seismic.   These types of thought revisions can create immeasurable spiritual pain. How do we move on when we discover a flaw in what we believed to be fundamental truth?

I have to believe that, as we change and evolve, we never go backward. We can’t lose pieces of who we are… those lost definitions and past phases all get rolled into this great big jumbled ball of humanity that is each unique individual. We don’t ever become less… we become more, for better or for worse. We become greater.

So even those traits we’d like to deny; even those mistakes we hate to admit; even those trials we wish we hadn’t faced; each of those becomes a thread in our fabric. The weave becomes stronger and more beautiful. The snags and the pulls and the missed stitches still hold strong together.

And perhaps the most beautiful thing is that each day presents a chance to redefine our selves. Each morning is an opportunity for evolution; for one’s own REvolution. That’s what keeps us growing. That’s what keeps us going. That’s what gives us hope.