My heart is bursting today. It’s full of gratitude and love but also an achiness. As always, there’s a niggling feeling. It rests in the base of my right shoulder blade and emanates from my gut. I know this feeling all too well. It’s fear. Anxiety. Worry. It’s my lizard brain, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even as I try to relax into the contentment of this day, it doesn’t go away.
I love Thanksgiving. It’s my favorite holiday, by far. There’s the obvious; the family, the food, the pie… But I also love this day for its focus; a whole day centered around gratitude. And gratitude is the only thing that ever makes the worry go away. A warm shower, a long walk, a good book, a cup of tea, a glass of wine, even the Ativan; those things help me to soothe myself, but they don’t get at the source of the fear.
The most repeated phrase in the bible is, “Be not afraid.” The good book addresses our human tendency toward fear and worry over and over and over again. I know that I’m not alone in my anxiety… all of humankind knows the feeling. Love and fear wage battle in our hearts and minds, in our relationships, in our politics. No one is immune.
But maybe not all of us know the same degree of worry and fear. I can only assume some of us are naturally more anxious than others, in the same way that some of us are naturally taller or more eloquent or artistic or handy. And as I’ve gotten older, something amazing has happened. I’ve actually become grateful for the anxiety. It is one of my many God-given gifts. The anxiety is part of my core, and when it’s not consuming me, it fuels me. This fear has taught me gratitude. It has taught me patience and compassion. It has taught me the skill of self-care and frequently reminds me of its importance. It has opened my eyes to the vast range of human experience and has helped me to adjust my perception of others’ pain.
So this year, instead of fighting the anxiety, I’m embracing it. I’m surrounding it with gratitude and love. I’m bringing it to our celebration, along with my husband’s amazing voice, my son’s sense of humor, my other son’s gentle heart… I’m offering it to be shared with those who love me. On this Thanksgiving day, I am grateful to have loved ones with whom to share my blessings and my burdens. I am thankful to be able to bring my whole self to the table, and I wish the same for all of you.