Writing

I can’t write. I’ve been trying for weeks. I’ve started approximately eleven different blog posts, and they all fizzle in the second paragraph and I can’t quite remember where they were supposed to go. My emotions ping-pong from my heart to my head and then ricochet to the base of my neck before they settle into my gut. And the feelings move so fast that I can’t identify them. What’s that twitch in my left eye? Fear? I can breathe in peace and beauty for a second before a pause converts it to worry. I laugh joyously for a moment. Then two. Then ten. I am on a roller coaster of my own making. I seek peace and then I am bored. I crave activity but battle exhaustion.

Some of this is the holiday season. Some of it is my natural state. Some of it is my body’s response to my missing routine. Summer vacation feels this way, too. The ying-yang balance between accomplishment and relaxation has eluded me for my whole life. I want to be able to relax and enjoy things and I crave a feeling of achievement and productivity.

I resentfully clean the house while my husband relaxes on the couch, chiding, “Will you just SIT DOWN for a minute?”   He’s right. I hate it when he’s right.

So what next? I don’t really know. I don’t have a happy ending or a neat little bow to wrap this one up. I have this niggling sense that I need to do something differently, but I’m not quite sure what that is.

So here’s what I’ve done. Tell me what you think.

#1. I’ve hired someone to clean my house twice a month. This is supremely uncomfortable for me, but I have many friends who claim this small action has saved their sanity.

#2. I’ve visited the library. I can’t always write, but I can ALWAYS read. I’ve checked out 8 books in the past two weeks, and I’ve only got 3 to go. Reading centers me in a way that nothing else really does.

#3. I accepted the invitations for Christmas brunch and dinner with friends. I hesitated at first, but 20/20 hindsight tells me it was an excellent decision.

#4. I went sledding with the kids, even though it was 8 degrees outside and I really didn’t want to. Turns out, we had a blast.

#5. I am currently binge-watching “Stranger Things” with my eleven year old. This is totally NOT my genre, but there’s some serious bonding happening over conversation about a fantasy realm that nobody else in the family understands.

And here’s what I think I still need to do:

#1. Buy a lottery ticket. Because, hey, you never know.

#2. Get a therapist. Seriously; I’d love your recommendations.

#3. Meditate more.

#4. Laugh. Play stupid games. Cuddle these kids.

#5. Give it to God.

You know what’s crazy? I ALREADY KNOW how this works. I know that stressing about money doesn’t fix money problems. And inexplicably, faith and a perception of abundance have always been more effective at helping to relieve that burden. The same goes for my relationships. When I try to impact how others perceive me, I become less appealing. Believing in my own worth fills me with a spark of joy and purpose that is so much more attractive. When I worry about being productive, I become frozen with anxiety, but when I have faith in my own purpose, I can accomplish so much!

The title of this blog came from the quote, “Inhale grace. Exhale your gift.” For me, this is always the solution, even when I lose sight of it. Sometimes it feels overly simplistic; maybe it even sounds trite. But when I breathe in purpose and strength and grace, I can use that to find and feel and focus on my gift. I can remember how to be exclusively and beautifully ME, and how to share that gift with the world.

I sat down to write today, not sure it would go anywhere. I stopped worrying about being funny or insightful or sharing a story. I sat down to write because I needed to express something. The proof is in the pudding, I guess. Inhale grace. Exhale your gift. Thanks for reading.