I’m right in the middle of my summer rut. I browse my Facebook feed and see people at concerts and on vacations; I see moms with their kids at the beach and eating ice cream and splashing in pools. And I’m already tired of summer.
We started off strong. We visited friends, swam in their pool, and went to a concert. We’ve gone out for ice cream and gone to the library and set up a lemonade stand in the yard. We’ve been to the local lake at least 5 times, which I honestly love. We’ve made plans with friends and plans with family. We’ve gone to the water park and the amusement park and to New York. We’ve been to pool parties and friends’ houses and jumped on all the trampolines.
We’ve made popcorn and jello and chinese dumplings. We’ve rented movies and camped on the living room floor. We’ve huddled on the bed in my air conditioned room, reading books and finding all the lost pictures in our Highlights Magazine. We’ve played card games and board games and word games. We’ve made forts out of cardboard boxes and couch cushions and blankets. We’ve slid down the stairs into a pile of pillows on sleeping bag sleds. Well, the kids did. Not me.
And even with all of that, my kids are spending too much time on screens. I’m still trying to fill the days and stop the bickering and get through the ‘to-do’ list in my brain. I’m trying to find things to do without spending the grocery money, and I feel guilty every time I have to say, “Not this week” because we just can’t afford it right now.
It’s not like there’s a shortage of work to do. We’ve re-done Bea’s bedroom. Primed, painted, redecorated. We reorganized Cal’s room, and we’re finally getting the bathroom done. Walls are up, wiring is done, plumbing is finished. I made the dentist appointments and handled the auto insurance and I’m working on switching over the medical insurance with all our providers. I still have to clean out the laundry room and paint the trim and rip up the carpet in the hallway upstairs. The dogs need to be walked and the lawn needs to be mowed.
And I told everyone this is my summer to write a book. So far, I have 22 half-finished documents on my computer desk top, and nothing that looks remotely coherent enough to become a book. I told myself I was going to focus on that, but here I am, blogging about my rotten summer mood.
I look back at that list and… HOLY CRAP, we’ve done a lot of things. So why do I wake up with a low-level sense of dread in the morning? Why do I feel so guilty when we spend a morning doing nothing? Apparently because I’m terrible at doing nothing. I have a deep-seated need to be accomplishing something. I feel better when I’m productive. Which is why summers are so hard for me.
I know myself enough to realize that I require deadlines. I like to have a plan, and I like to know what’s happening next. I have a running list in my head of things to do; when I’m dealing with pressure and deadlines, it’s easy to sort the list. Immediate concerns. Preparing for tomorrow. The week ahead. These categories in my brain help me to manage the day-to-day as a working mom.
And then, when I’m not working, the categories blur together. The things that I plan to do today could also be done tomorrow or next week. Nothing is pressing and therefore everything feels equally important and my brain begins to malfunction. I don’t know what to do next. The simplest decisions become complex. What’s for dinner? What color should I paint the front door? Should I walk the dogs or take them to the dog park? Should I turn on the air conditioner or just keep the fans running?
In my real life, I’m a functional adult. In the summertime, I’m a mess. I could accomplish 12 things and still feel like I didn’t do anything because my mental to-do list is never complete. I feel good when I’ve taken the kids to the lake, but when am I going to clean the bathroom if I spend my days reading on the beach? When am I going to get the big projects done if I have to spend my time cleaning the bathroom? And if I’m cleaning, the kids are probably on screens and that’s a terrible way to spend a summer.
DO YOU HEAR HOW CRAZY I AM?!?!?!
This is actually what happens in my head.
I usually like to wrap up these blog posts with a lesson or a bit of optimism. But right now, I’m not capable. Right now, I need to grab a cup of coffee and a shower. Then I’m going to rent a kayak for an hour with my son, hit the grocery store on the way home, make a dessert to bring to my afternoon book club, put dinner in the crock pot, and then drive an hour to meet some friends for lunch and a book discussion and some catching up (which will make me feel better but leave residual guilt because the kids are home alone, probably watching freaking YouTube).
I have a plan. And that’s a start….