Freaking Photos

He’s arguing with me before I even look at the missing assignment.  

“I’m not doing that one.” 

“What do you mean you’re not DOING it?  It’s not an OPTION.  It’s an assignment.” 

He’s often surly or snarky.  But he’s rarely defiant.  I can’t help but wonder what’s going on.  

I have him pull up the assignment on his Chromebook.  And then it all makes sense.  The assignment is titled, “Ode to Family Photos.”  I’m not even sure what he’s being asked to do, but I know in that instant that I’m not going to force him to do it.  

The word ‘triggering’ is so overused.  But it perfectly describes the effect of old photos on our family.  And not just for Lee… for ALL of us.  Those photos are hard.  They’re beautiful memories layered on top of unimaginable pain.  For years, they needed to be hidden.  Now, many years post-transition, we can look at them, but not without a lot of complicated emotions.  And they’re certainly not fodder for a class presentation.  

He’ll take the failing grade.  

The Mama Bear in me wants to call the teacher… to explain why it’s not appropriate.  I know teachers don’t do these things intentionally. In my younger years, I wouldn’t have thought twice.  It’s a fun assignment!  Kids love photos!  Nothing gets them engaged like talking about themselves!  And in my experience, teachers are super flexible and understanding.  They’re happy to excuse or modify the assignment…. IF you ask.  

And therein lies the problem.  I can’t ask.  He can’t ask.  He’s not OUT at the new school.  Nobody knows he’s trans.  So the advocacy will do more harm than good.  It’s better to take the F.  What a crappy decision. 

*****

Seniors!  Submit your baby photos for the ‘Guess Who’ page in the yearbook! 

Ugh.  I’ve been dreading this request; for two of my children, but Bea reaches the milestone first.   I don’t have baby photos.  She joined our family when she was 14.  

What do we do?  

Could I call her mom?  Why would she even talk to me?  DCF?  They can’t even find her passport… I can’t imagine they have any pictures.  Where would there be photos? I have an old picture from when I was her teacher.  It’s fifth grade graduation.  She’s not a baby, but it’s not recent.  Will that make it better or worse?  Will her classmates wonder why it’s not a BABY photo?   Should we just skip it?  Is it worse to be left out entirely?  

Ultimately, we get lucky.  Her sister has an old photo.  It’s pretty adorable, and Bea submits it.  

Dodged a bullet on that one. 

*****

This is hard.  It’s like those “Father Daughter” dances that everyone loves… unless you’re the kid without a dad.  

How do we continue to celebrate what’s special… being a baby who eventually graduates, or the sentimentality of old family photos, or the special relationship between a father and daughter… without hurting a whole group of kids, most of whom are already vulnerable for a slew of different reasons? 

Some might argue that, if we worry about everyone who might be hurt or offended, we could never celebrate ANYTHING.  

And, honestly, I agree.  We can’t STOP celebrating.  We can’t possibly make EVERYONE comfortable ALL the time.  

But what we can do is listen.  And learn. We can be considerate and thoughtful and deliberate, instead of doing what we’ve always done because it’s what we’ve always done.  

We can still celebrate… but add options.  Acknowledge that people have different lives and different experiences, and that each one is valuable.  

*****

So maybe the “Father-Daughter” dance becomes a “Special Someone” dance.  Or a “Father Figure” dance.  Or a “Role-Model” dance.  Whatever you call it… it could become more inclusive.  Why wouldn’t we do THAT?  It doesn’t hurt anyone.  And it could really make a difference for a kid who just wants to be included.  

Maybe the “Guess Who” page of the yearbook can be pictures OR trivia.  Guess who is the first in their family to go to college!  Guess who won a poetry contest in the second grade! Don’t take away the photos… they’re great!  Just remember that there are other ways to acknowledge the accomplishments of our graduates. 

This is especially important if a student’s grade depends on the completion of a very personal assignment.  Teacher friends… I know you’re out there.  And I know you care.  So show it.  Give options.  You could show photos.  Or you could write a story.  You could sketch.  Or build a model.  Or compose a song.  

If a student could fail because they don’t want to disclose personal information, then it’s the assignment that needs to change, not the child.  

*****

A lot of educators read this blog.  And I know that you all are well-intentioned, caring, creative people.  I am confident that you all would modify your assignment if you were aware that it was a problem for a particular student.  

And so I’m asking you to consider that it might be.  It might be a problem.  And that student maybe doesn’t want to tell you.  Because that would be awkward.  It could make it worse.  It could make them stand out.  And, really, what’s worse than that when you’re a teenager? 

So, my friends… take the initiative.   

Whether you know it or not… assume that you have foster kids and trans kids and migrant kids in your classroom.  Because when you do, they won’t want to tell you.  They will just want to blend in and be like everyone else.  

So it’s up to you.  Give them the chance to just blend in.  They’re counting on you.  We all are.