I had my own room for a time in my teens. I had my own apartment for a few months in my 20s. But for most of my life, I’ve shared space with various siblings, roommates, and friends. When Jack and I started dating, I didn’t consciously consider the reality that I just signed up to share a room for the rest of my life.
I’m a pretty social person. I enjoy people. And for the most part, I like sharing space. I love having someone to talk to, someone to cuddle with, someone to laugh with. I especially love that that person is my husband. I want to share a bedroom with him forever.
But I’ve always wanted my own little office. Since I was a kid, I’ve been slightly obsessed with pretty stationery and pens, post-its and colored paperclips. I love the feel of a solid stapler in my hand, and the smell of a brand new notebook. The click of my fingers on the keyboard is a calming sort of background music to my thoughts. An office. A quiet space for working and reading and writing. Wouldn’t that be lovely?
Turns out, it is. It is SO FREAKING LOVELY.
It’s not entirely finished, but over the past few weeks, I’ve been assembling my office. With Bea gone, we have an extra little bedroom. It’s just barely large enough to fit a full size bed, so it wasn’t ideal as a kid’s room. But it is the perfect size for this.
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When I first started this project, I had a vision in mind. I wanted a comfy chair. I wanted lots of shelving. I wanted calming colors and pretty patterns and knickknacks and tchotchkes that made me smile. I imagined pretty candles and soothing scents and fabric-covered boxes to hold my memorabilia.
I have a canvas print of a photo that Cal took on the beach. The sun is setting and the water is coming in and Lee is a blurred figure in the foreground of the shot. It’s beautiful. And I could picture it clearly on the wall in this room in my imagination.
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The first thing I bought for the space was a teal, wire wall hanging shaped like the side of a birdcage. It came with a few small clothespins on it, and it functions as a pretty sort of corkboard for hanging photos and reminders and business cards. I bought it at a local antique shop when the office only existed in my imagination. It felt frivolous. I was buying something I didn’t need for a room that didn’t exist. But I LIKED it. I REALLY liked it. So I splurged a little.
A few weeks later, the work began. We started to empty that little room. The closet was full of Legos and Light Sabers and Avengers paraphernalia. Cal and I painstakingly sorted it all into piles. Keep. Gift. Donate. Trash. To make this new space for me, we had to wade through so many of his memories. It was bittersweet.
Once the room was cleared out, I wanted to maximize the space. The doors came off the closet and Jack removed the built-in shelving. Now I had a cubby. The old closet was about 7 feet wide and a little more than 2 feet deep. I imagined a desk in that space, surrounded by shelves for books and photos and pretty, useless things.
But if I was planning to sit in that little cubby and create something beautiful, I wanted to look at something beautiful. Instead of painting the wall, I decided I wanted wallpaper there. I wanted something that would pop a little. I wanted something happy and colorful.
I started at Lowe’s. Jack and I looked at wallpaper, and while there were some perfectly nice things, I didn’t find anything I loved. And I wanted to love it.
That was a new feeling. I have always shopped for the best deals on the most useful things. I typically pick the ‘good enough’ version of what I need because it is less expensive or more functional or whatever. I’m quick to compromise.
When shopping for new bedding, I chose something with a mandala pattern because Jack didn’t want to sleep in a flowery room. I went easy on the throw pillows, because he doesn’t share my affinity for decorative fluff. It wasn’t that I didn’t like what I was choosing; it’s just that everything was a little bit of a compromise.
The couch that I really loved was crazy expensive, but we found this set in the clearance section that would work just fine. I don’t love my dining room table, but it is a huge, hefty, functional antique and it was free.
And so the story goes…
But as I sat there looking at that wallpaper, I thought about my little birdcage. I love that birdcage. And I wanted it to sit against wallpaper that made me smile.
So I didn’t buy wallpaper in Lowe’s that day. I did buy a lovely hanging light covered in crystals to replace the single bare bulb in the closet. It was sparkly and girly and perfect.
And then I went home and spent two weeks shopping online for just the right wallpaper. It was a little expensive. But it was exactly what I had hoped to find. A pretty blue and gold floral pattern. The colors were just right. The pattern was delicate and light but interesting. I loved it.
My canvas print. My little birdcage. My sparkly light. My pretty wallpaper. I was beginning to gather lovely things. I was choosing without compromise. I didn’t have to consider anyone else’s preferences. I wasn’t limited by a shoestring budget.
It was a brand-new feeling, and I loved it.
Jack and I found a chaise lounge in the clearance section at the furniture store, but this time it didn’t feel like a compromise. It was exactly what I wanted. A comfy chair with a corner, perfect for reclining and reading and relaxing. It was the perfect size and shape and color and it was only a hundred bucks. We loaded it into the truck.
I found an adorable little clock at a craft store. I picked it up and put it down and walked away and came back three times before I finally decided that I needed to have it. I finally bought the paper shredder that I’ve wanted for years. I ordered a cute little spinning organizer for my pens and pencils and paperclips and post-its. I got candles and fabric covered boxes and pretty throw pillows. I hung Lee’s paintings and Cal’s photo and filled a basket with yarn for crocheting.
Lovely things. All lovely things. But it’s more than that. When I sit in this room, I don’t just love it because it’s full of lovely things. I love it because they’re MY lovely things. I love it because I had a vision and I made it a reality and I didn’t compromise. I love it because it is totally and utterly MINE.
I still haven’t gotten my shelves. Because I haven’t found ones that are exactly right. I’m still looking for the perfect curtains. I want to add some plants. And all of that will come in time.
For now, I’m going to sit here and sip my coffee and listen to the ticking of my adorable little clock. I’m going to breathe in the scent of this candle and admire my kids’ artwork and cuddle up on my chaise lounge with a book and a homemade crocheted blanket. I’m going to pay attention to the feel and the sound of my fingers on the keyboard as I edit this piece and write down my thoughts in a room of my very own.
