I’m learning something about decision making, and it feels like it’s coming far too late in life.
Let me give you an example from about 14 years ago. I have one young child and I’m pregnant with my second. Money is tight and I’m frequently exhausted. Friends are planning a night out. Someone just went through a tough breakup. I’m the only one with a minivan that will fit us all, and I’m the perfect designated driver because I’m not drinking anyway. I’m a little on the fence about whether I want to go, and I talk to Jack about it.
My focus is on the fact that my friends need me. My friend is going through something hard. She needs emotional support. And there’s the whole van/driver thing. If I go, it makes everything easier. I’m a little worried about the money, but I think I should still go.
Jack listens to this line of reasoning, getting angrier and angrier. I think he’s mad because I’m going to spend money. Because I’m leaving him home with two kids. Because he’s jealous that I’m going out with my friends.
It took me ten years and a million variations of this conversation to finally understand that he WAS angry, but not for any of the reasons that I thought. He was angry because he thought I was making decisions out of a sense of obligation when I didn’t really WANT to go. He felt like I was allowing myself to be USED.
Mind blown.
Since I made this discovery, it’s shifted things for me. I have to start with asking myself, “Do I really WANT to do this thing?”
And if the answer is yes, I need to LEAD with that when I talk to my husband. This is a thing I want to do. These are my reservations. Will you talk it through with me? Of course, it’s not all smooth sailing, but it’s made the conversations easier; we’re speaking the same language now.
For me, simply WANTING to do something was never enough of a reason. And the inverse is also true. NOT WANTING to do something wasn’t enough of an excuse. For Jack, the WANTING or NOT WANTING has always been primary.
I don’t know if that’s just our nature, or ingrained gender roles, or the way we were raised. In therapy, I’ve started to understand the depths and dangers of my ‘people-pleasing’ and conflict avoidance, and I’m working on them. I’m trying to get in tune with what I want and then work for it. I’m trying to ask for the things I need instead of passively hinting and then sitting with the disappointment.
In a way, having teenagers in the house is helping with this. These kids constantly WANT. They want snacks and rides and food and sleepovers and money and trips to the ice cream shop. They want ALL DAY LONG. They’re not spoiled. (Well, maybe a little.) But for the most part, they’re just growing and trying to assert a little independence before they’re allowed to get a job or drive a car. I want them to go places and do things. I just wish it didn’t require so much commitment on my end.
So I’m learning to prioritize what I want. It’s easier when I have solid plans. When they need a ride to the mall, I can say, “Sorry. I’m going out to lunch with a friend. I can take you later or tomorrow or you can try to get a ride with someone.”
But when I’ve been running around all day and I just got dinner in the oven and folded the last load of laundry and I finally sit down with a good book, it’s a little harder.
“Can you bring me to the movies?”
“Not now.”
“But why not?”
Because I’ve had a long day. Because I drove you all over God’s green earth yesterday. Because gas costs a fortune. Because dinner is already in the oven. Because I’m tired. Because this book is good.
Because I don’t want to.
Can that be enough?