Big Feelings

This week has been full of big feelings. 

We had to put down our 14 year old black lab, CeCe. So many of you know how awful that is… for me it was a first.  I haven’t ever had to make such an awful, hard, right decision.  And it was the right thing to do.  But that doesn’t make it any easier.  

She was such a gentle giant.  She had a fierce bark, but not a mean bone in her body. She adored us all, and loved nothing more than to slowly, stealthily inch her massive body into the laps of those that she loved.  She was so tall that she didn’t have to jump onto a couch or a bed; she simply stepped up.  When she was younger, she would step up, under the blankets, into our bed at night and army crawl her way right in between Jack and I, as if we may not notice.  

She grew up with my children. Looking back through photos of our beloved pet, I was also reminded of how young they once were.  That smiling little boy showing off his legos with the dog at his feet is now a gentle giant himself, towering over both of his parents and nearly grown into the man he will become.  That dog has been by Kyle’s side through all of his transitions, and watching him care for her with such gentle compassion in her last days made my heart sing with pride.  

We knew it was time, but we were trying to ‘do it right.’  We didn’t want to do it on Jack’s birthday.  We all wanted to be there.  So we decided that we would bring her to the vet together on Saturday, August 9th.  

The morning of August 8th, Jack woke up first and came to get me.  “I don’t know if we can wait until tomorrow,” he whispered.  My rock, this man who personifies strength, had tears in his eyes and we decided to wake the kids. Nobody argued.  Everybody cried.  And one by one, each of these men called in sick to work so they could be by CeCe’s side in her last moments. 

Kyle lovingly made paw prints, and we buried her in the backyard.  

And three hours later, we were all dressed up and headed to the opening night of Footloose to watch Cam shine as Reverend Shaw Moore.  And boy did he shine.  That kid has a presence on stage and a voice that can speak to your soul.  I know I’m biased, because he’s my kid, but watching him on stage gives me goosebumps every time.

And this one gave us a glimpse of some acting chops we haven’t really seen before.  Especially in kids’ plays, there are a lot of one-dimensional characters.  He was Jafar in Aladdin; Tamatoa the crab in Moana; the Dentist in Little Shop of Horrors, and Kristoff in Frozen.  He did a great job with all of them. But this time, he got to be a character who evolved.  He played angry, and vulnerable, and heartbroken, and hopeful.  He literally brought the audience to tears.  It was SO good.  I was SO happy for him.  

But when we walked back into the house, full of pride and joy, our girl wasn’t there to greet us, and the sadness came again.  

I wanted so badly to separate the grief and the joy.  I wanted to take some time to mourn.  I wanted to carve out some time to have my feelings and then move on.  

But that’s not how any of this works.  It’s not how LIFE works.  We can’t compartmentalize everything into neat boxes and label them with joy or grief or pride or heartbreak. We can’t pause the feelings.  They just keep coming in overlapping waves.  We don’t get to decide.  We can’t impose a timeline because there is no way to neaten up the messiness of being human.  

This afternoon, we have family coming over to celebrate Jack’s birthday.  I already know there will be laughter and joy and celebration.  But I also know there will be sadness that comes in waves.  Being human is a crazy knot of tangled up emotions.

Today, I’m not going to try to sort them or shut them down. I’m going to be with my people; and together, we’re going to love each other through it while we feel each and every one of those big feelings.