I went to bed last night in wool socks and thermal pants and a hoodie. I woke up at 4am, burning from the inside, and frantically stripped down to a tank top and my underwear. My husband jokes, “Who needs a furnace with you in the bed?” He tries to put his arm around my waist and pull in close. I shove him away. “I love you but you CANNOT touch me right now. I will combust.”
As I lay there, it occurs to me that I haven’t had a hot flash like this in a while. And it is at that moment, I realize I’ve forgotten to replace my estrogen patch. To be honest, I wasn’t sure it was working, but I stand corrected. It is a bit of a relief to realize that I can chemically prevent these hot flashes and night sweats. But the 4am wake up has been pretty consistent, regardless of my body temperature or my medication.
Sometimes it’s the dog. She’s an old lady with a bladder tumor. No matter how late we let her out, it’s pretty much a guarantee that she’ll scratch the bedframe between 3 and 4am… her way of saying, “Let me out or I’ll pee on your rug.”
Sometimes it’s my own bladder that wakes me up. Other times it’s my husband’s restless legs. In the past I was able to register these things, roll over, and go back to sleep.
But my brain will no longer allow that. The 4am wakeup has become time to contemplate every thought I pushed aside during the day.
My internal monologue admonishes me. You shouldn’t be self-deprecating in a job interview. You blew it. She questions me. Are you pushing this kid hard enough? Are you pushing too much? She reminds me of all the ways I should be a better person. Volunteer more. Eat better. Clean the garage. Call your parents. She worries about things beyond her control. Government corruption. Human rights violations. War. Violence. Freaking Epstein. Cancer. Climate change. She realizes she’s spiraling and tries to reign it in. Deep breaths. Clear your mind. Box breathing. 5 things you see. 4 things you feel. 3 things you hear. Is that a train? Ugh. The neighbor’s dog is barking again. How many freaking dogs do they have over there?
It’s a relief when the 5am alarm buzzes. That voice in my head doesn’t go away, but she fades to the background. She starts to focus on the day-to-day things that keep me occupied. Brew the coffee. Feed the dog. Water the plants. She can focus on the things that bring me joy. Hot shower. Gorgeous yarn. Hilarious kids.
I’m on vacation this week; February break is a welcome respite from the midwinter chaos of middle school. These 4am wake-ups feel less disruptive when I can manage the pace of the rest of my day. So I’m easing into things over here. I’m sipping on my second cup of coffee, quietly strategizing how to balance my errands and my lunch plans and my crochet project. I realize how lucky I am to have this moment. How lucky I am to have these ordinary days… and occasional sleepless nights.