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Family

“So, how do you define family?” a friend asked me, as a group of us warmed ourselves by the fire pit.  The air was crisp and the conversation had gotten deep. 

I had just shared a little of my story; how I am an only child with ten siblings, and a parent to five kids with three different moms.  

It seemed like it should be an easy question to answer.  It seemed odd to me that I had never asked myself before.  And yet… I couldn’t come up with a response.  

*****

A few days later, I asked my 15 year old.  “How would you define family?” 

“People who share your DNA,” was his prompt response.   

I pushed back. “Well, by that definition, Bea isn’t our family.  Grandpa Frank wouldn’t count as family.  Your dad wouldn’t be MY family.”

He revised his answer, “Okay, well… how about people you live with?”  

“If that’s your definition, then your brothers aren’t your family.  Aunt Sarah and Uncle Brandon aren’t my family.  My dad isn’t my family. I feel like that doesn’t fit, either.” 

He sighed his exasperated teenaged sigh, “Jeez, mom.  I don’t know.  I’m only fifteen.”  Dramatic pause.  Shrug.  Smirk.  “I actually don’t know much.”  Aaah.  A rare admission of truth. I laughed. 

And then I continued contemplating.  What’s family?  What does it mean to be family?  

*****

Something else has happened recently.  Bea isn’t talking to me.  She’s in her first semester away at college and she won’t return my calls or texts.  I send care packages and get no response.  She’s removed herself from my cellphone plan and hasn’t answered about her plans for Thanksgiving.

It’s breaking my heart. 

*****

And all of that has me thinking about family.  I think of Bea as MY family, but maybe she doesn’t think of me as hers.  

That realization brings me back to my childhood.  My father met his third wife when I was eleven or so.  She had five daughters, which was awesome.  That summer, when my dad went to work, I spent my days with them.  We rode our bikes around the neighborhood, built forts in the living room, and set a fire in the kitchen (that’s a whole other blog post).   We swam in the community pool and played flashlight tag after dark.  The oldest two girls were right around my age.  We became fast friends.  

Eventually, my dad and his wife bought a house together.  They wanted this new house to feel like home to everyone, so I had a bedroom.  It was shared with my stepsister, but it was billed as “our room.”  There was a full sized bed for us to share, and I had my own spot for stuff in the closet. It was a conscious attempt at blending a family, and it felt really nice.  I already liked these girls a lot, and I couldn’t wait to be part of the family.  

It took me far too long to realize that you can’t just make yourself part of someone else’s family.  You can’t show up a few weekends a year and expect to be a sister.  It didn’t matter how much I wanted it.  They had each other 365 days a year.  They had me for maybe 15.  They had their inside jokes and their mutual friends and no matter how hard I tried to fit in, I would always be a visitor there.  

*****

But there was the opposite, too.  My mom and my stepdad got married when I was about four.  I don’t really remember a time before they were together.  When my three younger sisters were born, I never thought of them as my half-sisters.  They were just my sisters.  And Frank was just my dad.  We were a pretty typical family. I was never treated differently.  Dad just had four daughters.   

And in that home, where I lived most of the time, where I knew I was part of it all and accepted and loved… I still never quite fit in.  

I was the only kid who left for long weekends to go see my other dad.  I had to deal with divorce drama that my sisters didn’t understand.  I was the timid one; the neat freak who loved country music and shied away from conflict. I was (and still am) just a little more different from them than they are from each other. 

I have another half-sister, too.  Sarah is nearly a decade younger than me.  Her mom is my dad’s second wife.  Mostly, she grew up with her mom and I grew up with mine.  As kids, we would see each other a couple weekends a year.   Our age gap and our infrequent contact had kept us from really getting to know each other until we were grown.  

And when we started to spend more time together, I realized that this sisterhood was different.  The first time we hung out at the kind of local dive bar that we both love, we ran the pool table against opponents who were obviously surprised that a couple of girls could beat them.  We discovered that we love the same music. We have the same mannerisms.  We like the same food and laugh at the same jokes.  We communicate in the same way.  We both like the rush of riding a motorcycle, but hate the spin of a merry go round.  It was strange to think that I had spent so little time with this sister who was so much like me.  

Genetics are a powerful thing.   

*****

So I circle back.  What is family?  I still don’t know.  I can’t define it.  And if I can’t define it for me, I sure as hell can’t define it for anyone else.  

That’s really hard right now.  I want Bea to PICK ME as part of her family.  But I can’t control that.  I don’t get to say I’m her family and have it be so, just like I couldn’t just become a sister all those years ago.  

All families are complicated.  Mixed and blended families are just another version of complicated.  Attachment, love, loyalty, shared history, genetics, traditions… these things weave us together, and we become entangled.  

Maybe that’s what family is.  Maybe if you spend too much time trying to untangle it, to sort it our or define it or fix it… maybe you’re missing the point. Maybe the beauty lies in the messy, complicated, undefined nature of it.  

That leaves me without a definition.  Instead, I have a plan.  I’m going to stop overthinking it.  I’m going to stop trying to define it and control it.  

Because no matter how you define it, family is a blessing.  Today, I am choosing to just be grateful for it.  

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Seasons

Earlier this week, I was walking around a little lake here in town near the football field where my son was practicing.  I was admiring the foliage and listening to a podcast and stopping every so often to take photos.  At one point, I realized I was smiling.  It was a spontaneous, content, all-by-myself smile.  It struck me as strange.  And sweet. 

It happened again making dinner.  I was listening to music and chopping vegetables and when I felt the corners of my mouth turn up, I didn’t even really know why.  There was just a contentment, a pleasure, a calmness that came over me.  And I smiled, all alone in the kitchen.  

I recently got a new mug.  It’s colorful and textured, and when I sip my coffee in the morning, I love the feel of the grooves under my fingertips.  I love the sound of my fingers against the ceramic.  Somehow, this mug makes me slow down and appreciate my coffee even more. 

The pace of my life is slowing down.  Some of it is work related, for sure.  Compared to the past two frantic school years, this one seems nearly normal.  I’m not reinventing everything.  I can pull from my old files and I can experiment with new activities and I can take a few moments to laugh and joke with my students without worrying about falling further behind.   My own kids are older now, and I can stay a little late to make copies and plan lessons without panicking about child care.  

And sending Bea off to college has certainly made a difference. There’s one less schedule to track and one less mouth to feed.  Of course, I still worry, but it’s less immediate.  I worry about whether she’s making friends and getting her work done and having fun… not when she’s coming home or if she has laundry to do or if she made it safely to her friend’s house.  

The two remaining teens spend most of their time in their rooms or out with friends.  The living room will stay clean for days, with the exception of accumulating dog hair.  Their messes haven’t disappeared; they’re just contained behind closed doors and cloaked in loud music.  Every so often, I yell about the clothes they need to wash, or the stack of dishes on a nightstand.  But I don’t spend my evenings cleaning up after them.  

This year, I’m determined to help them develop a few skills; cooking being on top of my list at the moment.  So they add to my grocery list, and every Tuesday, Lee is in charge of dinner.  On Wednesdays, it’s Cal.  Thursdays belong to my husband.  So my cooking responsibilities have been cut in half.  Which is great, because my driving responsibilities and my church responsibilities have multiplied.  

I’m keeping busy, for sure.  But it just feels different.  I drive my son to football practice, but because someone else is cooking dinner, I can stay and walk around the lake.  I’m hosting and attending church meetings, but I can sit in my upstairs office and sip my tea while I zoom in.  

Mornings used to be frantic.  There was rushing and yelling and missing shoes and barking dogs and I was the only one bearing the weight of the responsibility, because Jack would already be at work.  Now, Lee takes care of the dogs and gets ready quickly, because he knows he might get a ride and breakfast from Dunkin Donuts, if he’s early enough.  Cal gets up as we leave, and he walks to school, so there’s no worry about catching a bus if he’s running a few minutes late.  

I’m cherishing those rides to school with Lee.  I order breakfast on my Dunkin app, and he runs in to grab his bagel and my coffee.  The ride to school is about 15 minutes long, and I’ve learned more about him and his friends and his life in those short rides than in all of our dinner table conversations combined.  Bea leaving has been a reminder of how precious those moments are.  Soon, he’ll be driving himself, and those rides will be a sweet memory.  

I’m trying to be more mindful of those moments when they happen.  I’m trying to be more mindful overall, I guess.  And now, I have the time to do it.  For years, I would try to meditate, or get an exercise schedule going, or just find the time to slow down a little.  I thought something must be wrong with me because I felt so frantic all the time. 

But there was nothing wrong with me.  I was just in the thick of it.  In the thick of parenting young children and building a home and building a life and taking care of all the things that no one else could.  

I feel like this particular season is a well-earned respite.  I have managed to help those small children become young people who are helpful and self-reliant and capable.  They can care for their pets and do their own laundry and arrange their own social lives.  They can cook a few meals and at least one has demonstrated the ability to acquire employment.  For sure, there is a lot of work left to do.  After all, someone still has to teach them the difference between the nightstand and the sink.

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Vacation

We arrived at our vacation rental in the evening, and we were finally ready for bed around midnight.  We had spent some time getting familiar with our new surroundings, but I still wasn’t sure what supplies were provided and where they were stored.  I noticed that the toilet paper roll was almost empty.  But there was no replacement roll in the bathroom.  Maybe I could find one in the basement.  Or the pantry. But I was too tired to look.  I noticed the box of tissues that would be my backup plan, mentally put ‘toilet paper’ on my shopping list, and climbed into bed. 

In the morning, I stumbled into the bathroom, bleary-eyed, remembering a little too late that I needed to look for another roll.  I looked to the left, expecting an empty cardboard tube… or maybe a single square.  And there, mounted on the wall, was a brand new roll of toilet paper.  The old one was in the trash can, a few feet away.  I walked into the kitchen and thanked Jack for replacing it. “Where did you find the extra toilet paper?”  He looked at me blankly.  

It dawned on me slowly.  It wasn’t him.  It had to have been… a TEENAGE BOY?  One of my offspring took that initiative?  Looked in ANOTHER ROOM for a replacement?  When there was a box of tissues right there in the bathroom?  PRAISE JESUS.  

*****

In the morning, we grabbed a few bottles of water and slipped into our bathing suits. We were on the boat by 9am.  Nobody complained about the early wake-up as we pulled away from the dock.  I sat in my favorite seat in the bow of the boat.  Lee took the coveted spot next to me.  As we skimmed over the water, I glanced to my left.  His eyes were closed.  His hair was blowing in the wind.  The smile plastered on his face reminded me of afternoons at the playground; him pumping harder on the swings to see if he could get his toes to touch the trees.  God, I love that smile. 

This kid has been practicing the art of surliness for over a year.  He’s a master.  But every once in a while, he forgets that he’s trying to project coolness and misery.   I was busy cherishing that moment, when Jack decided he wanted to play.  He increased the speed and took a hard left.  This boat can practically do donuts in the water, and he was testing its limits.  Lee’s eyes popped wide open.  He glanced at me, wide-eyed.  But that look wasn’t fear.  It was pure joy.  He held on to the nearest handle, and his smile was replaced by the biggest grin I had ever seen.  He laughed out loud, and when the boat straightened out again, I could hear him singing along to the radio.  Bliss. 

*****

Jack and I wanted to do another cruise after lunch.  The kids wanted to hang back and watch a movie and make root beer floats.  So they stayed behind.  The adults threw a few drinks in the cooler and pushed away from the dock.  We putted around and admired the houses on the shoreline. We found the party cove and did some people watching.  The dark clouds started rolling in, and Jack opened up the throttle.  When we hit a wave and went airborne for a moment, I squealed with delight, like a little kid on an amusement park ride.  We docked the boat as the first raindrops started to fall. 

When we got back to the cabin, I hung my towel in the bathroom.  Right next to… wait.  What was that?  On the towel rod?  Lee’s bathing suit?  He remembered to hang it up?  Oh, my goodness.  After all these years.  It’s finally sunk in!  I smiled, congratulating myself that this kid might someday be a functioning adult.  

I checked in with Cal.  “Where’s your bathing suit?”  I fully expected to find it on the floor.  He looked up from his iPad, quizzically.  “Ummm… it’s in the laundry.  I did a load while you were gone.”  WHO ARE THESE CHILDREN?  

*****

But really, who are they?  It’s not a ridiculous question.  They’re growing and changing so fast.  Sometimes I notice Lee’s dry humor and perfect comedic timing and I think back to bungled punch lines and bad knock-knock jokes.  Or Cam offers to carry the groceries and I remember carrying all the bags AND him on my hip as I climbed the stairs to our old apartment. 

But the daily grind is a constant distraction.  At home, I remind them to do their laundry and walk the dogs and take their medicine.  I drive them to the mall and to football practice and to their friends’ houses.  I serve them dinner at the dining room table and they groan because I won’t just let them eat in their bedrooms.  They ask me for money and I dole out chores and more often than not, I forget to notice who they’re becoming. 

*****

So far, this vacation has been exactly what we all need.  With only one screen to look at, we all crowd together in the small living room.  The kids want to watch a horror movie.  I hate scary movies.  We tease each other back and forth for a bit, but they actually ask good questions.  They want to know what scares me. Psychological thriller type stuff freaks me out.  I can’t handle zombies or humanoid alien creatures.  I hate creepy-ness.  Dolls that come to life.  Child murderers.  You get the picture.  But I can handle suspense.  I can close my eyes for the gore.  So they choose something gory and suspenseful, and I agree to give it a try.  They agree to turn it off if I hate it.  

As it turns out, I didn’t hate it.  And I learned a few things I might not have otherwise noticed.  Lee gives a great teaser without sharing spoilers. He is stoic and observant and also incredibly funny.  He doesn’t mind the scary parts, but he warns me to close my eyes during the sex scenes.  Cal notices everything and asks really good questions.  He closes his eyes for the gory parts.  He wants to be fearless, but after the movie, he asks me to watch a little bit of a Disney cartoon “to get those images out of my head” and then he sleeps with the light on.  

*****

Our summertime vacations usually consist of camping trips with a group of friends.  Or a borrowed lake house with a few other families.  Or trips to visit family out of state.  Renting a place for just us is a new luxury.  Prompted by Covid and financed by newly terminated child support payments, it feels like a hard-earned reward.  I’m realizing that a vacation feels different when it’s just our little family.  

Don’t get me wrong.  I love those crazy, huge get-togethers with family and friends.  I love the loud, raucous camping trips and cramming too many people on a pontoon boat.  I love the late night laughter and guitars around a fire pit.  

But this year, the pace of this small family vacation feels just right.  Three of our five kids are technically adults, and I’m realizing that the clock is ticking on the time that I have with these last two. I’m grateful for the chance to peek in on them as they sleep in.  To hear their laughter on the water.  To sit quietly by the dock or roast marshmallows in the fire pit.  To watch stupid slasher movies and play cards and notice who they’re becoming.  

Because I won’t have unlimited chances, and I won’t get this time back.  Someday, they’ll be ignoring my texts from their own apartments.  They’ll be paying their own bills and managing their own schedules and securing their own transportation.  They’ll be hanging up their wet clothes and replacing the toilet paper roll and doing their laundry, and I won’t even be there to notice. 

And I want that for them.  OF COURSE I do.  After all, isn’t that the point? And I can just pray that I am able to keep knowing them… to keep learning about who they will become. 

Starting today. 

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Grateful

I woke up before the rest of the family this morning.  I fed the dogs, let them out, watered the plants… my usual morning routine.  And it was so quiet and peaceful that I took a moment to sit in my comfy chair and just breathe.  I thought about yesterday and I was overwhelmed with gratitude.  It had been a great day.  We took some friends out on the boat.  We enjoyed the sunshine and the water and some laughs.  We came home early to host a small family get-together to celebrate Jack’s birthday.  All the kids were there.  That, in and of itself, was a blessing.  We had a delicious meal and birthday cake and some more laughs.  Be a spent the night.  Lee had a couple friends sleep over.  So I sat there, breathing deeply, smiling at the fact that my house is full of sleeping teenagers.  Bliss. 

This evening, we’re headed to a concert with some friends.  And the plan for today is simply to relax.  Read.  Write. Crochet.  Maybe make a big breakfast.  Oooh.  Breakfast.  That’s a good idea.  Let me go downstairs to the big freezer and see if we have some bacon for these kids.  So I took my bare feet and my gratitude into the basement.  

Squish.  My naked right foot met a splashy sponge of carpet at the bottom of the stairs.  Dammit. My blissful moment of gratitude was interrupted.  

I took stock of the situation.  The laundry room was flooded.  The water was seeping into the garage.  Half of the carpet in the finished basement was soaked.  I didn’t even make it to the freezer to check for bacon. 

And then, like the self-sufficient, independent woman I am, I walked right back up the stairs.  

“Jack?  Honey?  We’ve got a problem.”

He pulled himself out of bed and we both went to assess the damage.    I slipped into my rain boots and rubber gloves and broke out the mop and the wet vac.  He checked the washing machine and then the sink and finally, the main drain from the house.  Bingo.  That main drain clogged once before… five years ago.  The guy told us we’d probably have to do it again in about five years.  I should have marked my calendar.  

The good news is we know what the problem is.  The bad news is that this isn’t clean water.  It’s really gross, dirty water.  

Jack went out to his truck for his tools.  He blasted the drain and had me run the water again.  Problem solved.  For now.  We know it’s a temporary solution, but at least we can run the water again.  

And then, as the two of us bleached and vacuumed and mopped and scrubbed, I told him how the morning had started.  

All of that gratitude and peace.  And yeah, maybe it didn’t turn out to be the peaceful, quiet morning that I expected. 

But that gratitude?  That just got magnified.  I’m so grateful for a husband who knows how to blast a pipe.  I’m grateful to be married to a man who can handle literal crap without losing his crap.  I’m so thankful to love a man who will roll out of bed, roll up his sleeves, and face the hard stuff with me.   And I’m grateful that we can still manage to laugh together through the yucky stuff.  

Turns out, we did have bacon in the freezer.  And I’m grateful for that, too.    

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Motorcycling

I’ve had a motorcycle for over 20 years now.  God, that makes me feel old.  But thinking about that first bike brings me back, too.  It helps me remember who I used to be, back when I thought of myself as a badass. Over the past few years, I got away from riding.  I was too busy parenting and teaching and cooking and cleaning.  And riding just felt so selfish.  

How could I deliberately make a choice to participate in something so dangerous?  My children depend on me.  My husband depends on me.  How could I put myself in harm’s way, knowing how much I was needed? 

Guilt is a tricky, terrible thing. It can make us ignore our instincts.  It can make us suppress our needs.  It can make us contort ourselves to fit in a box defined by someone else’s expectations.  It pushed me to stop doing something that I deeply loved. 

*************

This past spring, one of our amazing guidance counselors invited me to be a guest on her school-wide talk show. She interviews teachers in the building, adds some music and bitmojis and a laugh track, and then shares it with the kids.  It’s creative and fun and I was excited to be a part of it.  

There was one part of this interview that really struck me as I watched.  She asked me to tell the audience something that would surprise them about me, and I talked about riding a motorcycle.  I’m not what most people picture when they picture a biker.  I’m a teacher and a mom.  I’m in a book club.  I crochet.  I ring in the church bell choir.  When you look at me, you might predict those things.  They’re not surprising.  But a motorcycle?  Well, that’s interesting.  Good answer.  Surprise the kids.  Check.

But then, my guidance counselor friend pushed me a little bit more.  She asked me WHY I love riding.  I was surprised at the question.  I paused for a moment, and took a breath.

And then something really cool happened.  I watched myself on the screen; my face lit up.  My eyes opened wide.  I swayed my body as I described leaning into a turn.  I smiled as I talked about the smells and the sensations and the focus of riding.  I explained that I can’t think about anything else while I’m on my bike.  The simple act of riding takes ALL of me.  I’m scanning for obstacles.  I’m using both hands and both feet and my core to control the ride.  I’m hyper aware of my surroundings.  I can’t worry about what I need at the store, or what papers I should be grading.  I can’t think about my to-do list.  I need to be entirely immersed in the present moment. 

It’s a weird sort of meditation.  Block out everything else.  Focus on the present.  Use all of your senses.  Badass meditation, if you will.  

That very day, after the interview, I got on my bike.  I had reminded myself how healing it is.  How restorative it feels.  I leaned a little further into my turns.  I breathed a little deeper when I smelled the fresh cut grass.  I promised myself to get the bike tuned up and ride more often. 

You might think that’s ridiculous. That’s fine.  Most of my family and friends think it’s crazy, too.  They think it’s too risky.  Too dangerous.  Irresponsible.  Some of them laugh at the idea of me on a motorcycle. They really just don’t get it. 

But whether you find your solace in a saddle, like me, or whether your passion lies elsewhere, I hope you do have something in your life that makes you light up like that.  I hope you have something that makes you feel whole and rejuvenated and just a little bit badass. 

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Swimming

I found one. 

Swimming.

One of those things that I used to love… you know, before.  Before I became someone’s mom and someone’s wife and someone’s teacher.

Growing up, we had an aboveground pool in the backyard.  I spent my summers splashing and playing marco polo and doing handstands in the shallow water.  When we were little, we would beg my dad to come swim with us… not because we were scared, but because the pool became an amusement park when he vaulted over the side, wrapped his huge biceps around us, and then catapulted us in the air.  For a moment, we were flying.  Then we splashed down, giggling, and popped out of the water, shouting, “Again!  Again!” He would toss us into the water until his arms were sore.

My grandfather had an in-ground pool.  As the adults lounged, the kids developed a constant awareness of our surroundings, because that side of the family wouldn’t hesitate to push you in when you least expected it.  I learned that it was best to jump before you could be pushed.  And it was there that I learned to dive.  After weeks of belly flopping painfully off the diving board, I finally felt my hands hit before my head.  I loved diving off the board.  I loved the feeling of butterflies just before my body hit the water… the excitement and anticipation of being mid-air just before the water enveloped me.  

My teenage years were full of pool parties and cookouts, playing chicken in teams of two, stacked on each others’ shoulders in a slightly bigger version of that first above-ground pool.  My friends loved to hang out at my house, wrestling and roughhousing in the water.  

And then we got the boat.  I loved tubing and swimming in the lake.  I loved jumping off of the back of the boat, not knowing how cold the water might be.  That’s still the way I like to enter the water.  No dipping my toes in.  No wading in a little at a time. No drawing it out.  I prefer the surprise.  A little shocking cold, and there’s no going back. Just jump in.  

In my twenties, I was a little reckless about it.  We would jump from the ledge in the quarries after dark.  20 feet.  30 feet.  A few moments of terrifying butterflies, followed by a satisfying splash.  God, I loved the water.  

A few years later, I took my babies to mommy and me swim classes.  I loved the feel of their soft baby skin as their chubby arms wrapped around my neck.  I loved the surprise and then the joy on their faces as they learned to float and then kick and, finally, use their arms to propel themselves forward.  

But I think that’s also when it started to get harder to enjoy the water.  Trying to change out of my wet swimsuit with a squirming, naked baby or toddler was an exercise in patience, speed, and flexibility.  Watching the kids took precedence over executing a pretty dive or floating on my back and studying the clouds.  I became the thrower instead of the thrown in that age-old pool game of “Daddy/Mommy… throw me!”  

At the same time my body had changed, as well as my swimsuit needs.  I was no longer shopping for a cute bikini.  I was looking for a suit that covered my cellulite and came up far enough on my body that a grabby toddler couldn’t accidentally expose a nipple.  I became self-conscious in a new way.  Swimming became more of a chore and less of an adventure, so I mostly hovered near the edge of the water, reapplying sunscreen and watching to make sure children didn’t drown.  

As they got a little older, a trip to the lake or the pool took on a different feel.  I didn’t need to watch them with quite the same intensity.  They were strong swimmers, and there were lifeguards on duty.  Sometimes I swam and played with them; I never lost my love of the water.  But more often, I would take advantage of a break from parenting and chat with a friend or read a book or just lay in the sunshine.  Respite was a more pressing need than play, if that makes sense.  

And little by little, I think I forgot.  I think I forgot how much joy comes from the water.  I forgot that this is a type of play that I deeply enjoy.  

So this summer, I’m approaching the water differently.  Every single time we’ve taken that boat out, I’ve jumped in to the water.  I’ve had swimming races and dunked my kids and we’ve attacked one another with cannonball splashes.  I’ve dived off the platform and felt those same butterflies… the ones that I felt at 8 when my dad threw me into the air.  The ones that I felt at 10 when I dove into my grandfather’s pool.  The ones that I felt at 15, playing chicken on my boyfriend’s shoulders.  The ones that I felt at 21, leaping from the quarry ledge.  The ones that I felt at 28, letting go of my baby in the YMCA pool.  

I’m so grateful for those butterflies.  I’m so grateful for a body that reminds me that I am still who I’ve always been. I’m so glad I remembered how much I love the water.  

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Another summer

Summer is in full swing over here. So much has happened in the past few weeks… I’m not sure I can accurately summarize.  I went from going 120 miles an hour to having nothing to do.  School ended.  My side gig running Sunday School is over for the summer.  Lee went to camp.  Bea moved out.  

That last one is breaking my heart a little, but I can’t write about it just yet. We still talk.  She still comes by to do her laundry and have Jack look at her car and beg me to make chicken pot pie.  We haven’t lost her; she’s just growing up, and my heart is a little tender about it.  

And now, here I sit, at 6am on a Monday morning, sipping coffee with my dogs at my feet and my only remaining child still in bed.  School ended just about two weeks ago.  I’ve already gone on a beach vacation, read three books, binge watched two seasons of a show, and finished a puzzle.  My book club met, and I’ve been out with friends a few times.  It feels so good to be getting back to normal; especially summertime normal.

But after having everyone together in the house for so long, it’s especially strange to be so, well… alone. 

Next week, Cal will be at day camp.  Jack will be at work, and Lee is still at sleep away camp for two more weeks.  It’ll be just me and the dogs.  

I’m not sure why it’s surprising.  I’m not sure why it didn’t cross my mind LAST summer that it might be our last summer with everyone in the house.  

In a weird way, I was spoiled by Covid.  I had my whole family home.  And sure, we made each other a little crazy.  Of course it was hard sometimes.  But all that time together was a blessing. I got used to it.  And then the world opened up, and these cooped up teens couldn’t wait to get back out into it.  

And I find myself, yet again, in an unfamiliar phase of parenthood.  My world doesn’t need to revolve around them in quite the same way.  Mostly my job is to provide food, worry, and dispense advice that they will likely ignore. 

My therapist wanted me to come up with a theme for this summer.  She jokingly suggested  ‘The summer of Amy.”  Cheesy, for sure… but intriguing. What will it look like to wake up in the morning and ask myself What do you want to do? instead of What do they need from you?  Such a small, natural step… but it feels like a pretty cosmic shift.  I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do with it. 

It’s a little strange to think that maybe you’ve forgotten what fun feels like; it’s odd to be in a phase where you forget how to fill free time with something that isn’t a chore.  What DO I do for fun?  What did I do for fun, well… before?  When I was young and single?  Before I became somebody’s mom and somebody’s wife and somebody’s teacher?  

I’m hoping to spend this summer rediscovering those things.  And finding new ones. Long motorcycle rides on winding roads.  Diving off the bow of the boat into the cool water.  Summer nights by the fire pit.  Projects that make my home more beautiful.  Long walks and thought provoking podcasts and good books on the beach.  Early mornings, sipping coffee with my dogs at my feet, putting my thoughts into words on this old laptop.  I think I’m off to a good start.  

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Back to School

In May of 2018, my 7th graders were dissecting squid in science class.  My sixth graders were performing Hamlet in ELA with costumes and rehearsals.  My eighth graders were creating and conducting their own experiments.  We had field day and spirit day and fundraisers.  There was a great energy. School was engaging and fun.

Nobody will deny that this year has been hard.  I don’t need to list all the reasons. But here’s something I think is missing from the dialogue…  As the adults are getting back into some regular rhythms, we might assume the same of our students.  

Please don’t.  

Our middle school is dealing with an unprecedented number of behavior problems.  Kids are fighting.  Skipping school.  Mouthing off.  Failing classes. Referrals to counselors for anxiety and depression have tripled.  

The teachers are busting our BUTTS to create engaging lessons.  We are working harder than we’ve ever worked.  But it’s not working.  What is happening here?  

It’s easy to get frustrated with the kids.  They’re not paying attention. They’re unmotivated.  They’re not doing their homework. They’re disengaged.  They’re lethargic.  They’re rude.  They’re impulsive.  

Ask any teacher, and they’ll tell you that they are using ALL the available tools. But it feels like nobody is acknowledging that all of our best practices have been stolen from us this year. 

Our desks are lined up in rows, facing forward.  There’s no peer-to-peer conversation.  There’s no group work.  There’s no sharing materials; no posters or experiments or projects.  They can’t touch each other, or sit close enough to collaborate.  Each period of the day, they sit in a classroom, with the desks facing the teacher.  They’re expected to remain engaged, but all of the WAYS we typically engage them have been taken from us.  Sure, we try… with games and videos and all the creativity we can muster.  And it’s still not working.  

Just because your kids are back IN school, doesn’t mean that ANYTHING is even remotely normal for them.  School like this is still incredibly hard.  

Think back to your own Middle School experience.  What do you remember?  Lectures and worksheets and research and essays?  Probably not.  

Maybe you remember singing in chorus.  But now rehearsals take place on the soccer field, so kids are far enough away that they can safely sing.  Never mind that they can’t even hear each other. 

Maybe you remember dissecting a frog.  But that would require group work and sharing materials and moving around the classroom.  That’s no longer allowed.  

You probably remember laughing at the lunch table with your friends.  But imagine lunch is facing forward, no talking, six feet from any other human.  Sounds pretty awful, right?  

Every class period, we have 20 or 21 kids asking to leave to go to the bathroom.  It’s super frustrating.  You can’t POSSIBLY have to pee that much.  We had to start limiting their trips to the bathroom.  But have you ever attended a workshop or conference where you just had to sit and listen and take notes?  Wasn’t that exhausting?  Didn’t you ever pretend to use the bathroom just to have an excuse to move your legs?   Imagine that every day, without even a lunch break for socializing and distraction. 

Guys, our kids?  They are BARELY HANGING ON.  We have taken every fun part of school and tossed it aside.  The kids are left with notes and slideshows and videos, homework and testing and, of course… MCAS.  Seriously?

PLEASE don’t blame the teachers.  We have redefined everything we do to try to fit our creative, engaging lessons into these limited parameters.  And on top of trying to engage the kids in front of us, we have to create parallel remote lessons for the kids who have chosen to stay at home.  

It’s just not enough.  Teachers are burned out because our best efforts right now are just not enough.  

Because the one thing that the kids need most is the one thing we can’t give them right now.  Connection.  Real, genuine, deep connection.  Conversations with their peers.  Inside jokes.  Embarrassing moments.  Shared failures and successes.  

We are SOCIAL beings.  And our kids, even more so.  They learn from each other.  They learn by doing.  They are wired for creativity and connection.  They are not wired for this.  Nobody is wired for this.  

So please, if your kids are ‘back to school’ and they come home miserable and difficult and exhausted, please know that there’s a reason.  These kids are being required to do something miserable and difficult and exhausting.  

Please know that ‘back to school’ does NOT mean ‘back to normal.’  So when those miserable, moody kids give you a hard time?  Don’t take it personally.  Give them a hug.  Play a stupid game.  Share a meal together.  Give them as much connection as you can before you send them back to school tomorrow. 

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Lessons from the Lake

Yesterday, it was 75 degrees and sunny here.  The weather was gorgeous, so we decided to put the new boat in the water.  It wasn’t our maiden voyage, but it was only the second time we’d taken her out on the lake.  Because the water is still too cold for tubing, the kids weren’t interested.  So we invited another couple to join us, and the kids stayed home.  

We definitely lucked out.  Not just with the weather, but also with the launch and the boat itself and all of it.  There’s a lot of preparation involved, but also a good bit of luck.  And some necessary humility.  Boating teaches you lessons you didn’t know you had to learn.  

There are so many things that can go wrong when you’re boating.  That’s especially true when you’re new to the sport or if your vessel is new to you.  You’re still getting used to the processes and the quirks.  Anyone who has ever had to back up a trailer knows that it doesn’t go smoothly the first time.  Or the first 20 times, for that matter.  

Brene Brown talks about FFTs- Freaking First Times- as a source of excitement and as a source of stress.  Anticipation is both a positive and a negative, and first times are a hurdle for all of us, at different levels. 

The first time launching a boat is an unforgettable FFT.  It starts with backing up the trailer.  Some boat launches are friendlier than others.  Some give you plenty of room to swing your truck around and back straight into the water (which is still a lot harder than you would think).  Others are narrow and angled and unforgiving.   Backing up a trailer is counter-intuitive to everything you think you know about driving.  So you have to re-learn and reset.  I advise significant practice in a large parking lot before you try to do this for real.  And for goodness sake, don’t rush.  It will only make things worse. 

Lesson #1:  You’ll get better with practice. Just keep trying. And take all the time you need. 

Then there are the people.  On a lake, there are generally only one or two ways in and out of the water with your boat.  So there is usually a line.  When you’re launching, you have to pay attention to the boats coming in, as well as the boats going out.  There are people on jet skis.  There are kayakers and people fishing from the shoreline and families feeding the ducks.  And whether it’s true or not, it feels like they’re ALL watching you.  

Chances are, most of these people are not first-timers.  And they may or may not remember what it is like to BE a first-timer.  So as you navigate this complicated first time task, you will likely have an audience judging your performance and finding it to be less than exceptional.  No pressure. 

Just before you actually put the boat into the water, there is a mental checklist to be completed.  There are plugs and pumps, wires and chains, pulleys and keys to think about.  It’s not that complicated once you’re familiar with it and you have a routine.  But your first time out?  Having just embarrassed yourself with 6 attempts to back the trailer into the water?  With all of those eyes on you?  Well, that’s when you’re most likely to forget a step.  

Lesson #2:  Don’t let embarrassment distract you from your goals. 

If you’re lucky, someone in the audience will remember what that FFT was like.  They will offer a smile or a word of encouragement or a suggestion.  They might remind you to unplug your trailer lights or give a tip on the best parking spot for your truck.  And when you’re in the middle of an FFT, that small gesture can feel like a lifeline.  

We’ve been doing this a while now, and launching isn’t as stressful anymore.  Jack is excellent at backing up the trailer (and I’m getting better, myself). But a new boat means a new routine.  So, while reversing the trailer has become old hat, there are still different pulleys and levers to check. We’re still working out the kinks.  

Even once you’ve mastered the launch, you have to become an expert in the quirks of your particular vessel. 

Our first boat was held together with duct tape and prayers.  We bought it for $2,000 and I couldn’t have been happier.  The deck had a few noticeable soft spots; you had to be careful where you stepped.  The engine was a little unreliable, despite all of Jack’s tweaks and tune-ups.  He kept a tool kit on the boat, and more than once, the kids swam and I threw down an anchor while Jack worked his magic with a wrench and some elbow grease.  

Also, the fuel gauge didn’t work.  We found that out the hard way.  As we were cruising, the boat stuttered to a stop.  At first, we thought it was that unreliable engine, and Jack broke out the tools.  No amount of tinkering would get it started, though.  The lake was too deep for our anchor, and we were floating toward the rocky shoreline.  I started to panic a bit, but Jack kept his cool.  He broke out the paddles, and we were able to keep ourselves from crashing. 

Another family of boaters was out tubing, too.  They saw we were in trouble and came over to offer assistance.  With an improvised rope-towing system, they pulled us back to the boat launch. It was embarrassing, and a hassle, but ultimately, everything was fine because a few good people were willing to help us out.  

Lesson 3:  There are good people out there.  Let them help you.

In addition to the quirks of your boat, you have to know the body of water you’re in.  There are likely hazards; shallow water or weedy areas or rocks just under the surface.   One lake we went to regularly had a rock wall just under the water line near the boat launch.  It wasn’t marked; we were lucky enough to have someone point it out to us early on, and we tried to return the favor to others who seemed unaware.  

Lesson 4: Learn from those who’ve gone before you.  Teach those who follow.

We were on a new lake yesterday, and we hit a bump.  Literally.  We weren’t too close to shore.  We were putting around, slowly, admiring the houses on the shoreline.  An unfamiliar alarm began to beep.  Jack thought the engine was overheating.  He kicked the boat into neutral just as we hit a sandbar about 18 inches deep.  We were beached.  

I tend to overreact in these situations.  That’s why Jack is the captain, and I’m just the first mate.  I wanted to jump off the boat and push us off the sandbar.  But I have learned this lesson the hard way:  Do NOT jump off the boat without the Captain’s permission.  Even if you think you’re being helpful.  Because then he’ll have to worry about the problem AND worry about hitting you with the boat, which is always LESS helpful than you intended it to be.  

Lesson #5: It never helps to panic.

So I waited.  I listened to Jack.  I eventually did end up in the lake, but not in a frantic panic.  I calmly stepped off the bow into about a foot of water.  It was cold but not frigid.  The boat was lodged but not totally stuck.  I pushed.  Jack put the engine in reverse.  We got ourselves unstuck.  That part was lucky.  But what was even luckier was that I managed to step up the front ladder, grab the hand of a friend, and haul my butt back into the boat without falling backwards into the water or flopping forward into the boat like a dead fish.  I remained upright and dry.  It was an actual miracle.  

Given all of the potential boating pitfalls, you’d think my anxiety would be through the roof on these excursions… and it would be, if it weren’t for my husband.   He’s in his element on the water.  His time in the Navy serves him well at the helm.  When we’re on the boat, there’s nothing that I need to be in charge of.  I do what I’m asked, and I’m often pretty helpful.  But I’m not in charge, and there’s an amazing relief in letting go of that.  When I have no choice but to trust my husband, I’m reminded of how capable and calm and smart he is.  I am so grateful to have that kind of partner in life.  

Lesson #6:  Find a great partner.  Learn to trust them deeply.  

Before today, we’d never been boating without the kids. Don’t get me wrong; I love the swimming and the tubing and the loud, animated laughter when there are children on the boat.  But boating with only adults was just…. Well, it was heavenly. We admired the homes on the shoreline.  We paid attention to nature, and we watched a bald eagle soar overhead.  We joked and laughed and talked and ate and drank and enjoyed each others’ company.  It was relaxing and rejuvenating and refreshing.  It was a beautiful day, and it hinted at a whole lot of beautiful days ahead.  I’m looking forward to our summer on the boat… with adults.  With kids.  With anyone who’s up for an adventure and a few life lessons.  

Lesson #7: Rest.  Relax.  And enjoy the people you’re with. 

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Ferry Backpack

When the kids were little, a ferry ride was something that happened only occasionally, and always in the middle of a long trip.  The ferry was an event within an event.  A mini-adventure on the way to our destination.  

And anyone who travels with little kids knows that preparing for such a trip requires equal parts stamina and strategy.  

My strategy focused on packing.  My goal was to have all the things, and also to pack them in such a way that they were easily accessible.  So the Tylenol couldn’t go in the suitcase with all of the other medicine.  It needed to be in the car bag, in the front seat, where I could reach it.  

And the car bag was too big to bring up on the ferry with all the children and baby carriers and such, so I needed a ferry backpack, which I would strap to my body while I used my arms to carry more important things, like my actual children. 

Our ferry backpack contained: beverages ranging from bottles to juiceboxes.  Crayons. Coloring books. Cards. Diapers and wipes.  Snacks.  A blanket.  My wallet.  Books.  Another bottle of Tylenol. 

Part of the adventure was that you never knew exactly how the Ferry ride was going to go.  There were too many variables.  

Would the kids be asleep when we pulled on?  Would we let them sleep?  Was it worth it to wake them?  Would they freak out because they missed the boat ride? Or freak out because we just woke them up? 

Would the boat be crowded?  Our wobbly toddlers would want to use their little legs after hours trapped in a car seat.  

Would we get to the upper deck quickly enough to grab a seat with a table?  The table is CLUTCH with small children.  

Would the weather cooperate? Would it be too cold or too hot? Does everyone have a sweatshirt? 

Would they want to be on the deck?  Would we lose our table seat if we brought them up to the deck?  

Would somebody throw a tantrum? Stumble and fall? Spill their drink? 

One parent stayed at the table at all times, to make sure nobody else grabbed it.  One parent walked around with whatever kid needed to move.  We went to the restroom in shifts.  We firmly explained that we were NOT buying $3 bags of potato chips for everyone when we had OUR OWN potato chips in the Ferry bag.  

Despite all of the potential pitfalls, most often, the ferry ride was magical.  I remember holding my youngest, walking up from the car, his chubby little fingers pointing out at the boats in the distance, and the wind blowing through his fine, blonde hair.  His eyes lit up.  “Boat, mama.  Boat.”  “Yeah baby, boat.  We’re ON a boat, too.”  His eyes opened wide in disbelief.  With his limited vocabulary, he managed to relay his confusion.  “Car on da boat???”  

Another time, my shy, animal-obsessed baby was clinging to my leg, wobbly and scared.  We didn’t get a table that time, and were trying to juggle snacks and bathroom breaks with the Ferry bag on a curved seat between us.  And someone passed with their German Shepherd on a leash.  “Doggie,” my child whispered, pulling at my sleeve.  And a kind stranger sat across from us, allowing my nervous kid to spend nearly the whole ride, sitting on the dirty floor, petting this patient, gentle creature.  

Sometimes we’d play cards or color.  Eventually, the kids learned that they loved the top deck.  They’d sit next to me on the bench, pointing out the massive homes or the sailboats, or the colors in the clouds. We’d take pictures with the backdrop of the water meeting the sky and then we’d hurry back to our minivan to continue our adventure.  

It was a ton of work, but it was magical.  You know… like parenting. 

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All of that came rushing back to me yesterday, on our most recent ferry ride.  This time, there were only three of us; my husband, myself, and our youngest.  Everyone else had their own plans, because children grow, as we’re all aware.  I don’t know why it still takes me by surprise. 

We got up early.  Jack showered and let the dogs out.  I got dressed and tossed a crochet hook and a skein of yarn in my oversized purse.  My son threw on a sweatshirt and climbed into the backseat with his phone in his pocket and his headphones in his ears.  We stopped for coffee and breakfast sandwiches and ate in the car. In the passenger seat, I used my sweatshirt as a blanket and closed my eyes.

When we pulled the truck up the ramp and on to the boat, I put on my sweatshirt and grabbed my purse.  I walked toward the deck and watched my pre-teen ahead of me taking the steps two at a time.  Out of habit, I grabbed a seat with a table, almost frantically.  My son went off to explore on his own.   

There was a young family near us.  The mother took a preschooler to the restroom.  The dad set the baby’s car seat carrier on the seat next to him.  He chatted with a toddler and I smiled as I watched him pulled a tub of crayons out of the ferry backpack.

My reverie was interrupted when my son walked over to me, all 5’9’’ of him, leaned over and asked, “Do you think they have any napkins?  I spilled my energy drink.”  I smiled and shook my head, because some things never change.  He walked his nearly-grown self to the counter, asked for some napkins, bought a $3 bag of chips, and went to clean up the spill.  I didn’t leave my seat.  

For about half of the ride, he sat on the opposite side of the ferry.  He had chosen a seat with a good view, and he stared out the window, smiling at the boats, just like he did when he was small.  I rested my purse on the seat next to me and pulled out my crochet hook.  I looked at the empty table in front of me and realized a little too late that I no longer needed to occupy this prime real estate.  

I worked the yarn and the hook, listening to the conversations around me.  “No.  We have snacks in our bag.”  “Do you want to go for a walk with Daddy?”  “Mommy, I drawed a boat!” The nostalgia tugged at my emotions as I was pulled back to those years that seem like moments ago.  

Cal reappeared and plopped into the booth next to me.  He watched me pull the yarn into stitches.  “Wanna try?” I asked, as casually as I could.  “Yeah, sure,” he shrugged.  I held his hands and showed him how to twist the hook and hold the yarn so that a pattern began to emerge.  The tip of his tongue peeked out of the left side of his mouth, like it always does when he’s concentrating particularly hard.  “You got it!” I said, and he smiled at me with the dimple that’s been his trademark since he was born. 

While I watched, a little in shock at both his willingness and his ability to turn yarn into something more, the little girl from the next table kept looking over her shoulder at us.  At first, it was just a couple of glances, but eventually, she turned her whole body around and watched my son intently.  “What is that boy doing?” she asked her mother.  “Looks like he’s making a blanket,” the mother replied.  “A BLANKET?” she exclaimed.  “You can make a BLANKET with STRING?” she whisper-shouted, with the type of astonishment in her voice that only preschoolers can convey.  I caught the mother’s eye and we shared a knowing smile.  What a wonderful age.  

When the girl replied, “Can you teach ME how someday?” I smiled and looked back at my son.  I was pulled back into THIS moment.  In this moment, my son can turn string into a blanket.  He can buy his own $3 potato chips and clean up his own spills and explore without holding my hand.  He can choose his own seat, where he knows he’ll enjoy watching the boats pass by.  Yet he still comes back to me.  He still plops next to me and asks for advice and lets me teach him. 

“Can we go up to the top deck, Ma?  I know it’s cold, but I want to check out the view and take some pictures.”  I smile and look at my husband, feeling honored that he invited us to join him.  “Of course.”  I throw my purse over my shoulder and look back at the empty table, knowing that, next time, I’ll leave it open for someone with a ferry backpack.